Who are you trying to please?

The subtle art of being kind to yourself

Drawing by Tineke Tammes

‘I won't say what I think. Because if I say what I think then he will say THAT. And then I would have to react with this or that. And I don't WANT to react like that. So I better not say it at all'. 

Goodness, aren't people complicated! 

You see, years and years ago this is the conversation that would most DEFINITELY have gone on in my head. 

And that is LITERALLY how it would go. 

I would be angry about something or upset. But instead of saying what I needed to say you know what I did? 

Yes, I would have that conversation above. In my head. 

And that anger? 

Yep, went nowhere. 

Well, no, it did. It went inward. And festered. And rotted. And then - eventually - would lead to a MASSIVE outburst. 

Or to a bad mood or even to depression. 

But - get this - the person who I was meant to talk to? The person who I was angry with? The person who needed to hear MOST what was going on? 

Never even knew it was happening. 

Never knew ANYTHING was happening! 

Merrily went about their business without EVER knowing they'd done something to upset me. That what they were saying was unacceptable. That there were boundaries. And they'd trampled all over them. 

And do it all over again a next time. 

See where this is going? See what is going on here? 

Yep. People-pleasing. On a grand scale. 

And I can see it in some of you too. 

Not wanting to upset the other person. Holding your tongue because you want to be 'nice'. Not rock the boat. 

NOT. HOLDING. YOUR. BOUNDARIES. 

Maybe not even KNOWING your boundaries. 

But let me tell you a few things I've learned over the years:

1. You cannot anticipate what the other person will say

Yes, you can anticipate it, but you are most likely wrong. 

You are not the other person, with their background, personality, experiences and emotions. So how can you POSSIBLY know what's going on for THEM?

Which leaves you with one option only:

You are going to have to say the thing you need to say. And learn from and deal with the response. (And if you wanted to learn the 'magic formula' of assertiveness then read my blog: How to get over your fear of conflict)

2. There are times to say it, and times to NOT say it (or say it differently)

Was that - imaginary - person above a loved one? Someone you're close to? Someone you'd like to stay close to? 

Or is it someone you're likely never going to encounter again. Or have to work (but not live) with. 

It makes a difference, you know. You have to say what you have to say to the people close to you. 

You have to say it to the person you work with - but professionally. 

And that person you'll never see again? Who cares! Let it go. 

3. Be aware of your motives

You see, as a People Pleaser your empathy knows no bounds.

It's your Super Strength.

You (THINK you) know what people are likely to say, before they say it. You can anticipate how others are feeling. Step in other people's shoes without ANY problem.

But beware of WHY you're using your Super Power of empathy and doing things for others. 

Because doing things for others should be unconditional. Because you WANT to do it. 

Not to get attention, appreciation, love even. 

Not out of fear of losing someone's affection. 

4. Setting and maintaining your boundaries is kindness

Brene Brown said it. Setting and maintaining your boundaries is kind. 

Don't say 'Could you please send me that report soon?'. Say 'I need that report by 12 pm on Friday. If not I'll let the Board know that I didn't receive your report on time'. 

Don't say nothing to your loved ones (and fester). 

Instead say 'I'm washing on Saturday morning. If that washing is not in the washing basket at 8 am it will not get done'. 

Or 'You and I need to talk. We've GOT to spend more time together. I've booked a table for Friday night at that nice restaurant'. 

Or  'I HATE my job and I want to spend some time figuring out what I want to do next in my career. So I want to work with this career coach'

Or .... well, you get my drift. 

Does that sound scary? 

Yes, probably. 

But it also is clear and it stops you working into the night with report entries that were submitted well over the deadline. 

Or, with unwashed socks hiding under someone's pillow 🙄. 

Or with your relationship going over the cliff. 

Or you keeping stuck in your career and resenting others. 

No, instead you give clarity to others around you. 

Conversely by stopping to please others you're kind to them instead. 

And - most importantly - you show kindness and self-love to yourself. 

Because - I've said it before and I'll say it again - you are already GREAT, just the way you are. 

You don't need to go out of your way to 'prove' it to others. 

You are great. 

Let no one tell you differently. Least of all you. 

That’s what I think anyway.

🔴🟡🟠

Tineke Tammes is a Career & Creativity Coach and supports professional women in making successful transitions to careers of Freedom, Flexibility and Fulfilment!

Besides that she is also a lifelong feminist, part-time portrait artist, never-only-read-one-book-at-any-time reader, and obsessive doodler.

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