What's this about women bullying women?

Stop that - stop that NOW!

Drawing by Tineke Tammes

Have you ever been bullied at work?

Quick answer? Before you say it?

Yes. I know you have. Because I have talked to women on calls who’ve been the victim of workplace bullying.

AND I’ve spoken to those of you who have seen it happen to others (and were grateful it wasn’t them, whilst - at the same time - offering support to the person who was the subject).

Here in the UK 15% of you have been the victim of bullying*, in the US it’s higher at up to 35%**. And it’s going UP!

That’s a LOT. Right?

Which is why - when I read this post on LinkedIn - I felt EVEN WORSE.

Because the claim in this post was that 70% of workplace bullying happens BY women, and the majority of people BEING bullied are female too!

So, in the spirit of happiness and equality, things that - as you know - I feel STRONGLY about, I thought I’d investigate.

* CIPD study

** Civil Mediation Council study

What IS bullying?

There’s no legal definition but this is how ACAS - the workplace expert for England, Wales and Scotland - describes it:

Bullying:

“unwanted behaviour from a person or group that is either:
•    offensive, intimidating, malicious or insulting
•    an abuse or misuse of power that undermines, humiliates, or causes physical or emotional harm to someone.”

The stories I’ve heard have included undermining you at meetings, making you feel unwanted and disrespected, ignoring your advice, talking over you in meetings, calling you at home asking you ‘when you’re coming back’ as soon as you’ve been signed off with stress, a total ignorance or disregard for HR policies, rudeness and tactlessness.

It can include people ganging up on you, swearing, even threatening behaviour and violence.

According to Speak Out Revolution, an organisation set up to stop the culture of silence around harassment and bullying at work, the most common toxic behaviours reported are:

• Manipulative behaviours (72 per cent),

• Everyday putdowns (67 per cent) and

• Excessive monitoring of your work (62 per cent).

Does this sound familiar to anyone? Have YOU experienced any of this?

I’ve got a poll going on LinkedIn (it’s here). Come and tell us (me) YOUR stories!

The bullies and the bullied

So what’s all this about women bullying other women?

Now, here’s where it gets a bit confusing. Because the research is coming up with contradictory results.

But here’s what I understand from the data:

• Women are more often the victim of bullying than men.

• Men are more likely to report bullying.

• Then this WBI report from 2017 says:

In addition, WBI (2017) reported that 70% of perpetrators of workplace bullying are men and 60% of targets are women. About 67% of bullying is female perpetrators targeting other females.

Which is where my non statistically-minded head starts hurting a bit.

But from what I can gather, THIS is what I think it means.

What does it all MEAN?

Power

I think the scholars are agreed: the further away you are from power the more likely it is you will be bullied.

If we assume white men are at the centre of power that means that women and minorities (and people with other equality characteristics like race, age, disability etc) are less powerful.

In the context of bullying it means that people who are in lower positions and/or have one or multiple of these characteristics are more likely to be bullied.

(Yes, I hasten to add, there IS such a thing as upwards bullying (listen to this episode of Safe Space from the Workplace, a new podcast I’m appearing on soon☺️), but I’m talking LIKELIHOOD here).

Oh, and another ‘fun’ fact: women in managerial positions are more likely to be bullied than male managers. Thanks to the stereotypes and biases against female leaders.

The consequences of bullying

The impact of bullying can be DEVASTATING. It can ruin your physical and mental health. The psychological consequences are enormous.

On top of that, women get less support at work and are shamed into keeping their experiences to themselves.

And, of course, from the business perspective, workplace bullying causes sickness, absence, resignations, people badmouthing the company, hideous company culture, reduced productivity and ultimately the company going downhill.

Companies know this, of course they do. HR departments have been trying to tell them for years.

Coping mechanisms

I’ll tell you the number one coping mechanism of:

• Men - They go and report the bullying

• Women - Silence

You know how DEVASTATING silence is? To your mental, physical and emotional health? But this is - I hasten to add - NOT YOUR FAULT.

WOMEN have been silenced for centuries. There’s a CULTURE of silence. And - before I go into a full-blown rant:

It’s got to stop.

Like one Gisele Pelicot says in the now-famous French rape trial:

Shame must change sides

YOU’ve got the right to trust your employer to provide a safe environment.

In return YOU have the responsibility to not bully or harass others.

The desire to bully

Now - if I wasn’t already - this is where I became REALLY uncomfortable. Because one of the reports describes workplace bullying like this

Bullying:

“repetitive actions with the desire to cause physical, emotional, or social distress”

That got me, that one.

The desire to? Really?

What, are we working with a bunch of psychopaths now? (OK, yes, apparently the percentage of psychopaths working in senior management is disproportionate, but that’s the topic for a whole new newsletter).

No, I’d like to think a little bit differently.

I think that there are REASONS why women (and men) kick down when they’re on their way up and bully others:

1. They’ve experienced bullying and or abuse themselves and pay it forward (‘hurt people hurt people’)

2. They’re under stress

3. They don’t have the emotional intelligence, the leadership skills and/or the training to be effective at work or as a manager

4. What they call ‘Queen Bee syndrome’ - where women in more senior positions treat women below them atrociously, especially where they’ve had to battle their way to the top in male-dominated work environments.

Mind you, I’m not saying this to EXCUSE the bullies. But to UNDERSTAND them.

And, here’s a question, do bullies KNOW they’re bullies? Only if they have the self-awareness to acknowledge their stress and realise their impact, the emotional intelligence to see the impact of their actions and behaviours on others, I would others

So, what do we DO?

LOTS has been said about how organisations can fight bullying. After all, there is a REAL business benefit in creating a culture in which bullying and harassment is eradicated.

But what about you?

You see, I believe it's difficult for all of us at the moment.

We’re in a transformational period, in which we can turn two ways:

• A return to ‘how we’ve always done it’, namely to a workplace where both men and women commuted to and worked in offices. Where, somehow, miraculously, on top of all that the kids would be fed, clothed and educated, the house would be cleaned, pots and pans filled themselves with healthy and nutritious food, the cat was fed, the dog walked and all birthdays of various family members remembered and celebrated. And where women were (are) exhausted and men ridiculed for wanting to look after their kids and playing a full part at home.

• Or we can transport ourselves into the world we live in now and vow to create a society that is fair and equal, where everyone can do what they do best and where obstacles to full contribution - both at work AND at home - are being removed.

We’re not there yet. Obviously. But we can contribute to making that happen. It’s this last option that’s got MY preference you won’t be surprised to learn.

And it starts with YOU (me, all of us).

Let’s:

• Take a great big look at ourselves and our behaviour and acknowledge the pain, hard work and yes, sometimes less than exemplary behaviour we - too - display sometimes

• GROW our empathy for ourselves, and for others.

• Acknowledge the world we live in, where there are HUGE inequalities

• Support other women (and men), rather than trying to bring them down

• In other words be KIND to others

• Celebrate how far we’ve come and share with others (there’s enough to go round for EVERYONE!)

• Use our power and privilege and use it to do good

EVERYONE deserves to be treated with respect, do fulfilling work and be HAPPY in what they’re doing.

We can only shift the balance of power, create a more equal workplace and society, by doing it collectively. By lifting each other up, not tearing each other down.

So yes, let’s change the world, together, starting … NOW.

You coming?

Tineke X

P.S. Have YOU experienced bullying (or BEEN a bully - no judgement)? I’ve got the PERFECT offering for you: the Positive Intelligence programme has EMPATHY - for you, for others - at its core. I’d love to tell you more about it. Book a call here to find out more:

P.S. 2 Do you just want to VENT about a bullying situation you’ve encountered? Reflect on YOUR behaviour and what you could have done differently? Book a call with me! I’m more than happy to support you in times of stress.

🔴🟡🟠

Tineke Tammes is a Career & Creativity Coach supporting professional women in creating fulfilling work and happy careers. Besides that she is also a lifelong feminist, part-time portrait artist, never-only-read-one-book-at-any-time reader, and obsessive doodler.

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