What's going on for you?

The importance of resilience, especially now

Drawing by Tineke Tammes

For me it happens when someone tells me what to do and - to top it all off - then tells me exactly HOW to do it.

Not being in control. Someone else trying to control me and my actions. It gets me. Every time. Even just typing this I can physically feel myself getting all indignant, irritated and resentful.

What will follow feels inevitable.

Depending on the environment where this happens it ranges from a huff, a passive-aggressive form of sabotage, to snarky comments or even a full-blown argument.

I’ll spare you the deeper analysis of where this behaviour comes from.

But today I do want to talk more in general about this.

Because, yes, for me it’s control. But you may also have trigger points. Things that irritate you. Things that always get your hackles up. Things that make your pulse race, your body feel on full alert, and - almost inadvertently - make you react in a certain way.

You may have noticed this in yourself.

You may have wondered where it came from.

But - most importantly - you may have wondered how you can stop this almost involuntary reaction. How you can be different. How you can be better than that.

(I know I have!)

Here are my early thoughts as I’m learning LOTS about the effect of trauma on our bodies, our emotions and our actions.

The body knows the score

Your body reacts well before your conscious brain registers there is something wrong. It spots danger a mile off. And yes, that includes ‘danger’ like criticism, or detailed instructions on what to do and how to do it. Things, in other words, that others might not see as dangers.

So why? Why does your body do that?

As I’m learning - a lot - about trauma, and the effects it has on you and your body, I’ve come to realise that this behaviour is somewhere in your past. It’s about what happened to you in the past, when you were little, or later, in your adult life.

When you experience trauma and you have not been able to access the flight or fright response, but instead had to stay, you develop coping mechanisms.

In the Positive Intelligence programme they call these coping mechanisms ‘Saboteurs’. In other theories they call it the ‘Survival Self’.

The survival self is less able to have a free flow of information between your body, your emotions and your brain. The stress of your trauma stores itself in your body. And can express itself in literal physical pain and disorders and in disassociation (a feeling of not being in the present and not being able to access your emotions).

What does this mean?

Your Survival Self is different from other people’s survival self. Your experiences are different from others. The level of trauma you may have experienced is different.

Also, your coping mechanisms (or Saboteurs) will take full advantage of your strengths. Your strengths will go into overdrive mode.

Were you always a high achiever? In survival mode you’ll become a hyper achiever, who is single-mindedly focused on the end goal, never happy, never content, not being stopped by anyone.

Are you a people-pleaser? Yes, that’s your survival mode for appeasing other people, to the detriment of your own needs and wants. Becoming resentful and hurt.

(And if you’re interested in finding out more about YOUR Saboteurs, please book your Saboteur Discovery Call here).

It means that - when your body now spots a ‘danger’ - it will jump into survival mode. It will deploy the tactics it knows best. Before you consciously can examine what’s going on.

Why are you talking about trauma?

Now, I hasten to say, I’m a coach. If you want to look further into and deal with your trauma, I will always refer you to a therapist or counsellor.

However, I do have a special interest in trauma. Why? Because I believe that in some cases you may have experienced trauma in your past that affects the here and now. That your here and now, and your future, can be impacted by what happened to you in the past. In a time you don’t remember, or during traumatic experiences when you were an adult.

I believe it can manifest itself in a lack of confidence, in taking criticism personally, in Impostor Syndrome, in your self-esteem, in your resilience.

It can have an impact on your relationships, on your performance, on your happiness.

I believe there is a lot of it about. And it plays out in workplaces all over the world.

But I also believe that you are resourceful. That you have access to a lot of great resources within yourself to be able to:

• Recognise where this feeling comes from,

• Create awareness in yourself around what your trigger points are,

• Engage in techniques to be in better contact with yourself, your body, your emotions

• Find better ways of responding rather than reacting in the moment.

So, now what?

We’ve all been through the collective trauma of Covid. The world is feeling like an insecure and unpredictable place at the moment. Here in the UK the labour market remains tight, with stories constantly emerging about very experienced people not being able to find jobs. People are finding themselves stuck in toxic situations.

In other words, for me this feels like a time when we need to know more about the effects of trauma, about how resilience works, about how we can be the best people we can be, the best leaders we can be, to create a better life for ourselves and for others.

Which is why I’m doing exactly that.

Learning about trauma.

Not to be a therapist, but to be a trauma-informed coach.

Not to stay in the past, but to help you understand where your reactions come from, so that you can use the resources available to you to respond to situations better.

The focus of my work has always been on helping you create happiness in your work. Yes, through my work in career change coaching.

But happiness doesn’t come only from a full-blown career change. From doing different things. From following your dreams.

It also comes from doing things differently. From changing your mindset. From approaching situations differently, for a different result.

It’s why I’m dedicating my summer to understanding more about you, about what’s going on for you right now, so that I can support you in the best way possible.

Because these are uncertain times. But you have the resources to support yourself and others through it, I believe that.

It’s why I’m offering FREE coaching sessions this summer. To support you in uncertain time

Because - now more than ever - you need resilience, your strengths, your compassion and empathy.

What’s going on for you? Will I see you soon?

Tineke X

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This summer I’m doing a thing.

I’m offering ONE free one hour coaching session per person.

It’s my way of supporting you during times of global turmoil. It’s my way of supporting you in whatever is going on for you. It’s my way of giving back. It’s my way of - I’ll be honest - finding out what’s going on for you and aligning my offerings to what you need.

So.

Are YOU working through a period of turmoil? Do you want to talk in a safe environment about things that are bothering you at work? Do you simply want a sounding board for ideas you have around the next stage of your career?

I have experience in career, leadership and creativity coaching, and can support you during times of (career) change.

If you are interested in learning more about my coaching offerings, please contact me on info@tineketammescoaching.com

If you’d like to book YOUR coaching session this summer, hit the button below. I can’t WAIT to meet you!

🔴🟡🟠

Tineke Tammes is a Career Coach and supports professional women in making successful career transitions. Besides that she is also a lifelong feminist, part-time portrait artist, never-only-read-one-book-at-any-time reader, obsessive doodler and supporting senior leaders in their career journey.

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