Values in action
From joy, conflict, judgement, healing a rift, back to hope (it's been quite the week)
Drawing by Tineke Tammes
Your values
I’ve spoken about values before. About the importance of KNOWING your values.
But I knew when I started writing this newsletter that I wanted to expand on the topic.
You see, when I work with you we’ll talk about values. About YOUR values. About what they are.
But that’s not the end of it.
Because the work doesn’t stop by writing down words on a piece of paper and then forgetting about them. When it’s only words. Words on your notepad after you’ve given YOUR values some thought. (Or, in the case of a lot of businesses, words on a poster next to the ladies toilets).
Not that writing them down is not important!
It IS.
It is REALLY important to KNOW your values, so that:
You understand why you’re feeling angry or upset when something happens that clashes with your values.
You know what environment you’d like to create around you.
You can consider how you’d like to act and behave in relation to other people.
But that’s only the beginning!
Aligning your actions with your values
You see, I’d argue that THIS is the most important thing. To make the decision to stand for your values.
To ALIGN your actions with your values.
What that means?
It means that you SAY something when you believe your values are being violated. When people are crossing a line.
That you DO something, be assertive and change or try to influence the other person’s mind or the situation through your words or actions.
And yes, that means having COURAGE sometimes. It means sticking your neck out and making it known that what’s happening is not acceptable to you.
It means - and this is a big one - that sometimes you stand alone.
Conflicting values
Your own values
I’m going to warn you up front. Sometimes your own values clash.
Sometimes you might find that acting to stand up for one of your core values might be in direct contrast with another value.
(Example? Your value of Achievement might mean you work hard, potentially at the detriment of your value of Family. Your value of Honesty might clash with your value of Trust).
This is a constant weighing up of what’s important to you in that moment.
(Is it more important to work hard? Or see your family? Is it more important to be totally honest? Or do you value the trusting relationship you’ve built so far, and fear that being brutally honest would damage that?)
Other people’s values
You’re entitled to YOUR values. And so are others.
Which means that - whilst THEIR values might not be yours - you’ve got to respect them all the same. Including other people’s right to stand up for them.
Leaving you potentially in judgement of the other person.
Finding ourselves in judgement
So, first of all, how do we RECOGNISE that we’re in judgement?
Brené Brown asks us in her book Dare to Lead:
Do you believe everyone always does the best they can with what they've got?
If the answer is No, THAT’s judgement.
Other signs? When you feel BAD. About yourself, about others, or about the situation or circumstances you find yourself in.
Also, there is a difference between judging someone’s ACTIONS and being in judgement of the PERSON.
The power of empathy
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
How do we use empathy to overcome our judgement? How do we use empathy to resolve conflict?
Because conflict is not resolved by more conflict.
Your Judge Saboteur will not quieten down someone else’s Judge Saboteur.
No, it’s EMPATHY that you need.
And for that I would like to recommend you ask yourself THREE questions:
If only 10% of what other people say or do was true, what would that mean?
If we were to assume that deeply underneath someone’s actions and behaviours sits a person with their own values, their own beliefs, their own FEARS and - yes - suffering from the voice of their own judgement - what would that MEAN?
THIS question aims to help you step outside your judgement. To help you pause and interrupt your own thinking.
WHAT are the motivations of people you’re encountering?
This question helps you to think about the deeper motivations - and yes, their values - and opens the door to real listening.
Your values have been shaped by your experiences and perspective. So have theirs.
You might not agree with other people’s motivations, their beliefs and their values. But they are just as valid to them as yours are to you.
What can you influence and control right this minute?
I keep coming back to this: control, influence or accept.
Some things, including - ESPECIALLY - your behaviour, you can control. You *may* be able to influence other people. (And you should if the (potential) violation of your values is important enough to you in that moment.)
But sometimes the outcome of the battle is not worth the fight. Or the damage to the relationship with the other person is too great. In which case your decision to step away is absolutely valid.
Staying true to yourself
The point I want to make with this newsletter is this.
Your values are important. They are an inherent part of you and your identity.
KNOWING your values will enable you to recognise - more clearly - when boundaries have been overstepped, when your values have been compromised.
But the REAL test comes when you are being asked to step into your values. To SAY or DO something to truly LIVE your values. When you feel you HAVE to.
Because stepping away from or into a situation, or stepping up and saying or doing something in alignment with your values can feel vulnerable or lonely.
Ultimately, doing so helps you stay true to yourself, practise deep empathy with yourself and shows the outside world what you stand for.
In other words: it helps you trust yourself to be the person you want to become. It helps others trust you too.
And isn’t that what we want?
Tineke X
What else?
Hope and pride
Photo credit: Eddie Mitchell
I’m an immigrant’. That’s how I started a post on LinkedIn on Monday.
You see, here in the UK we’ve seen violence and hatred on the streets of our towns and cities over the last week or so.
Following the murder of three young girls in Southport last week tempers boiled over, leading to riots and violence by right-wing activists full of racism and islamophobia. Met by counter protests from anti-hate campaigners. All fuelled by the media, politicians, high-influence individuals and right-wing organisations.
At the time of writing this it’s Thursday morning. The day after the night before. When violence was rumoured to come to the city I live in.
Instead there were 4 to 8 (reports are unclear, if you look REALLY closely you can see them inside the ring of police in the photo) anti-immigration protesters with balaclavas. And up to 2,000 counter protesters chanting anti-racism and anti-islamophobia chants, including: ‘There’s many MANY more of us than you’.
It was joyful and hopeful to watch. After all, this IS the city where only last Saturday we saw a joyful Pride Parade through the city centre. Where 300,000 people peacefully celebrated AND protested for diversity and equity for our LGBTIA+ friends.
What we’re now left with is the remaining scar of racism, islamophobia and hatred.
What we’ve seen is clashing values. In a divided society.
It inspired me to write today’s newsletter.
Because - whilst I strongly condemn the violence and hatred we’ve seen over the last week - I believe it’s EMPATHY that we need now, as well as proper communication. To combat JUDGEMENT and FEAR. To heal the rift and find ways of living peacefully together.
I’m an immigrant too, is what I wanted to say in my post on Monday. Except I’m white and privileged. I’d like the UK, the place I call home, to be as welcoming to everyone as it has been for me.
Where everyone can feel safe, no matter your religion or the colour of your skin. Where we truly celebrate the wonderful diversity of this country.
I stand with everyone who feels unsafe and targeted. My values of equality and justice have never been more tested.
Judgement and empathy
This summer I’m offering my Saboteur Discovery Call FREE. In this 45 minute free call you’ll:
Use some of the techniques that will help you reduce the inner mind chatter
Talk about your assessment results and explore in more depth your top 1 or 2 Saboteurs
Consider how your Saboteur shows up for you and what the impact of him or her is on your performance, your relationships and your stress levels
So that you can start listening to the REAL you and start finding out what you WANT in your career (and life).
So that you - too - can benefit from growing your power of empathy - for yourself, and for others.
So that you use YOUR powers of explore, navigate, innovate and activate to help you create the career and life you want.
Are you ready?
Book it here:
Joy and celebration
My community Pick ‘n Mix - for creative, multi-passionate women - is closing down! To celebrate ALL that we’ve done we’re having one final look at ALL that we’ve done, with a great big celebration BASH on 16 August.
Also, to celebrate I’m making a number of offers. I so much appreciate you being here that I don’t want you to miss out:
The Artist’s Way Group
Every year I hold The Artist’s Way Group, where we use Julia Cameron’s LIFE-CHANGING book The Artist’s Way to unlock our creative brain. Want to join us in 2025? I have a one-off offer available to you! Hit the Reply button to find out about the offer!
Find out more about The Artist's Way Group
Yes! I want to take advantage of your offer ...
Visual Coaching
My ‘Tell YOUR story’ visual coaching sessions are aimed at creating a powerful reminder of all the AMAZING things you’ve done in your career.
So that you can tell your story, confidently, even colourfully …
THIS is the offer I’m making YOU:
Recommend this newsletter to one of your friends! If she signs up by 31 August YOU can get a Visual Coaching session with 20% off. Simply let me know who you’ve recommended the newsletter to. When she signs up I’ll send you the discount code.
The Career Freedom newsletter is FREE. But in the future I am looking forward to exploring building a PAID community here! What's more: a number of women have already pledged their support!
Do YOU want to be part of an exclusive community? HERE is your incentive: the first THREE women who pledge their (paid) support will be offered a FREE Visual Coaching session! Offer is valid until 16 August.
Find out more about Visual Coaching …
Tineke Tammes is an ICF trained career coach, who supports professional women in find fulfilling work and create happy careers with her Career Freedom coaching programme!
Besides that she is also a lifelong feminist, part-time portrait artist, never-only-read-one-book-at-any-time reader, and obsessive doodler.
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