To be or to be SEEN to be
Sorry, but what was the question again?
‘I wish people wouldn’t KEEP ON saying that to me!’, she said. ‘Too emotional. Pah! I’m just being friendly, what’s wrong with that!’
‘I need to be SEEN to be more confident’, said another.
It made me think.
Because we are forever being told that we should be ‘our authentic self’ at work. ‘Just be you!’, they say.
Only to then make you feel as if those great qualities that got you here in the first place are not good enough. Are somehow a hindrance and not a help.
Being warm and personable all of a sudden a liability.
Being thoughtful and reflective not good enough.
So what’s going on?
To be or to be SEEN to be
About bringing your authentic self
Mini-rant incoming.
You see, I believe that bringing your authentic self to work is a load of old rubbish. There, I said it.
Seriously, you don’t want me to bring my authentic legging-clad-TV-watching-chocolate-biscuit-munching self coming to any workplace near you. Right?
The point being that work helps you to grow. It teaches you to be a different version of yourself. A version where you work together with people. Even people you don’t like. A version of you who displays behaviour that helps you to get stuff done that you wouldn’t dream of doing if you were left to your own devices. Stuff that - ideally - helps you to make the world a better place, a place where you make a contribution.
And yes, that means that your ‘authentic’ self, the person that you are at home, is NOT the same as the person in the office.
What self ACTUALLY to bring to work
You, your personality, who you are, what makes you YOU, is made up of your experiences, your beliefs, your values, your strengths, your interests.
It’s why - in my Career Freedom programme - we spend quite a bit of time finding out about you FIRST. So that you can choose the workplace that fits you.
Not everything that makes you you can be expressed through work.
Does that mean you should never talk about it? No, of course not. For you to build trust and rapport with your team and people at work you are absolutely right in sharing that with others.
Does that mean you should behave like you would at home? In short? No.
The importance of psychological safety
Can I just have one other mini-rant? (It’s my newsletter, so yes I will!)
Psychological safety.
The other day I heard it said again. ‘Yes, it was brilliant. We were just doing great work. A great team. We all had an open culture, lots of banter. All the time by just being myself!’
And it made me think: How many women were in that culture? Any people who were introverts? Neurodivergent people? Were there perhaps people there who weren’t having such a great time? Who DIDN’T feel safe bringing their ‘authentic selves’ to work? Who weren’t being themselves? But who didn’t dare to say so?
Possibly.
You see, I don’t think there is such a thing as 100% psychological safety.
We can most definitely aspire to it, and we should. But in the workplace? The culture is made up of a complicated web of beliefs, the past, habits, actions and behaviours, power and politics of the (dominant group of?) people within it.
And people, new people, people who don’t naturally fit within this will not always feel safe. Not safe to express professional thoughts and ideas that need expressing. Not safe to express emotions.Let alone bring their authentic self.
Who you are
You are great. Let’s be clear.
Whether you are warm and emotional, or reflective and thoughtful.
You are great.
But I’m also going to say this: who you are is not set in stone. You can change and learn. Your values - whilst core to who you are - DO change over time. The way in which you make decisions on how to ACT on your values changes. Your brain makes new connections all the time, is elastic and can change. What’s important to you changes over time. Your way of coping with the world changes too.
Which is why it is so important to keep doing the work. To understand yourself. To check in with yourself, to know what’s changing, to know who you are at any given moment in time. To know what scares you. To know how brave you can - and want to -be.
Who you are PERCEIVED to be
No matter how great you are, the world, including the working world, only knows you by how you ACT and behave.
Other people know you by your actions and by how they PERCEIVE your actions.
They - too - have a whole filter of beliefs, values and experiences that makes them determine how to interpret your actions.
So - and this may well be the crux of what I want to say - how others perceive you may be completely different from how you know yourself to be.
You may well be a very confident person, but not express this confidence at work. Or not to the level required.
You may be a very warm person and someone who establishes trust and rapport quickly with people. Which is a great asset. But may not align with the culture in the organisation, or not be the style of leaders in the organisation.
In other words, for you to be successful at work, you may need to ACT differently on occasion. Not to change yourself (you’re great - remember?), but to adapt your style to the person you’d like to influence or to fit better within the culture of the organisation you chose to work for.
And yes, that requires courage, knowing yourself, clarity about the goals you’d like to achieve, interest in how other people tick and an understanding about how best to achieve your goals.
But the main thing?
Is to understand that you ACTING differently doesn’t mean that you change who you are.
To BE or to be SEEN to be is not a choice.
Both are true at the same time. Both are important for your success.
Who you are doesn’t need to change.
But sometimes how you ACT might need to for you to achieve the best results.
How you do that? What’s required? How other people see you? How you can get the results you want?
That’s what comes next. I know you can figure that out, because you’re clever and resourceful. (And if you’d like a wingwoman to support you, you may want to check out the offer below).
See you all next week!
Tineke X
This summer I’m doing a thing.
I’m offering ONE free one hour coaching session per person
Are you working through a period of turmoil? Do you want to talk in a safe environment about things that are bothering you at work? Do you want to work on becoming more successful at work? Do you want a sounding board for ideas you have around the next stage of your career?
I have experience in career, leadership and creativity coaching, and can support you during times of (career) change.
If you are interested in learning more about my coaching offerings, please contact me on info@tineketammescoaching.com
If you’d like to book YOUR coaching session this summer, hit the button below. I can’t WAIT to meet you!
🔴🟡🟠
Tineke Tammes is a Career Coach and supports professional women in making successful career transitions. Besides that she is also a lifelong feminist, part-time portrait artist, never-only-read-one-book-at-any-time reader, obsessive doodler and supporting senior leaders in their career journey.
Sign up to the newsletter and get it delivered to your inbox every Friday.
Signed up but now considering the paid subscription? Go here to find out how. And thank you!
Already signed up? Why not share the newsletter with your friends?
"Both are true at the same time" - that can apply to so many situations, can't it? We need to get more comfortable with paradoxes. And I agree about psychological safety - it's good to try to create a supportive environment for all, but in the end only we can safeguard our own with self-knowledge and boundaries.