The subtle art of avoidance
What is it costing you?
Drawing by Tineke Tammes
‘OK, so I’ve got to do this thing, yeah? But to do that thing I’ve got to talk to so-and-so.
And I just KNOW that that is going to be an awkward conversation. Because she IS awkward. I’d rather not talk to her, if I don’t have to.
Except I have to.
Because if I don’t I can’t finish this thing I’ve got to do. Which I’m now not doing. Which I’m avoiding like it’s the plague. Which is zooming around in the back of my mind. Making me feel guilty. Festering.
Yes, I KNOW it will come back to bite me. That I will have to say - to that same person - why I haven’t done it. Which makes it ten times worse.
And yes, I know it doesn’t make sense. But I. Still. Won’t. Do. It. Because that means I’ve got to … ‘
And round and round it goes.
Does it make you feel anxious just reading it? Because it sure as hell does me! Let alone the person who’s actually got to do it.
For one reason or another I’ve been talking to a number of women lately who have made avoidance into an art form (in my Saboteur Assessment sessions).
So I thought I’d talk to you about what could be YOUR Saboteur too.
Who is YOUR Saboteur?
So yes, your Avoider is a Saboteur, one of NINE. Demonstrated in the above example:
You avoid arguments, conflicts, ANY type of confrontation. At all costs. Yes, AT ALL COSTS.
You are the Queen of Procrastination. You can invent jobs that - all of a sudden - HAVE to be done. Because they’re easy. Because they’re comforting. Because … what exactly? Yes, because you’re AVOIDING the tasks that ACTUALLY need doing.
And finally, you don’t say no. To anything. You’ll always say Yes. Saying No, even the THOUGHT of saying no, makes you shrivel up inside.
Any of this sound familiar?
You want to hear the good news?
You’re GREAT at a LOT of things:
You don’t get upset easily
You’re GREAT at reading the room
You are able to see multiple points of view
You are flexible and adaptable
You don’t judge people harshly
You seek harmony and peace
Well, so what’s the problem?
The impact on your work
Yep, we already talked about this. You’re avoiding that task. Or that person. Or that person AND that task. In fact, you find EVERY excuse, the tiniest little task times 100, to avoid doing THAT.
And yes, it impacts your performance. Not just because of the avoidance of that one task or person. But because you’re not focusing on the tasks that are important.
The impact on people around you
Just imagine it from the other person’s perspective. Just for a minute.
Imagine you’re waiting for this task to be finished. In fact, it’s been WEEKS. You were waiting to have a chat about it. But nothing happens. You’re now getting irritated. The person who was supposed to deliver this (yes, you!) is BUSY. With what? No idea. But DEFINITELY not with the task you’re waiting for.
Can you imagine that? Yes, I know you can.
People start losing trust in you, right? And conflicts ARISE, rather than get resolved.
The impact on YOU
Gosh, I was getting a knot in my stomach thinking about this. I can only imagine how YOU feel!
Frustrated. Irritated. Guilty. Confused. Anxious. Yes?
So, what can you do?
Look out for your Avoider
Guilt and anxiety. The women I talked to were clear on that. That’s what THEY felt.
So what are YOU feeling? How does the Avoider show up for YOU?
Your Saboteur makes itself known through negative emotions. Emotions that you class as negative. It’s the most surefire way of knowing that you’re dealing with your Saboteur.
Recognise your strengths
You’ve got GREAT strengths! So how can you use those strengths to identify the right actions AND TAKE THEM?
Practice saying No
Do it in the mirror. Say no to something small. Something you really don’t want to do or don’t have time for.
And once you feel comfortable, say no to bigger things.
Here is how you can say it:
Sorry, but I have something else going on
I have another commitment
I don’t have the bandwidth for that right now
I’m honoured that you’re thinking of me, but I simply can’t
Remember - saying Yes to something is saying No to something else!
I used to have a line manager. He would accept three appointments for the same time. Triple-booking his calendar. Choosing where he would go on the day. Disappointing two people at least.
Your time and capacity is finite. So remember that saying Yes is saying No to something else. Don’t be like my ex line manager. Just saying.
Use the 80/20 principle
What item on your list has the highest impact? And the highest importance? What task is going to move the needle forward the most?
Ask yourself: what action can I take right now?
Ask yourself: what action do I feel READY to take now?
Be kind to yourself
Yes, I am probably going to add this to the end of each newsletter.
Be kind to yourself.
Your Saboteur is using your Strengths on overdrive. You’ve got GREAT strengths, that you can put to GREAT use.
Over time your Saboteur has taken over. And it’s got you all the way to where you are now!
So be kind to yourself. Rely on your innate strengths to take you further.
Because you’ve got this. I know you do.
You?
Who is YOUR Saboteur? And how does she impact your performance, relationships and wellbeing?
🔴🟡🟠
Tineke Tammes is a Career & Creativity Coach and supports professional women in making successful transitions to careers of Freedom, Flexibility and Fulfilment!
Besides that she is also a lifelong feminist, part-time portrait artist, never-only-read-one-book-at-any-time reader, and obsessive doodler.
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Useful tips for tackling this very persuasive saboteur!