The problem with affirmations
And manifestation, whilst we're at it
Hi, I’m Tineke, coach for you change making, creative, multi-passionate, hard-working women. I publish my newsletter here every Friday, focusing on ONE topic to do with your career, career change, happiness, women and work, creativity and books (I love books!).
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‘I am beautiful. I am successful. I am smart and creative and funny and wealthy and healthy.’
Can I just check: How often do YOU say these things to yourself? How often do you send yourself positive words of affirmation?
Yeah, me neither.
You see, I have a - let’s say - difficult relationship with affirmations.
Or with manifestation, for that matter.
They were concepts that were foreign to me, not even that many moons ago. Before I became a coach I had literally NEVER heard of affirmations, manifestations, the Law of Attraction. And when I was parachuted into the world of coaches, from the woowoo to the money-raking gurus, I was bombarded with it.
Why am I talking about it now? Because - believe it or not - I’ve learned a lot since I first entered the world of coaching. And because I want to keep an open mind. And because I want to share with you how I think they DO work.
Not because I want to influence you or convince you (I don’t have that sort of power). But because I like a bit of discussion, some stories, a different point of view. Because I like to be challenged and made to think.
So if YOUR view of what I’m about to share is completely different, if your view of the world means that something else is true for you, I’d LOVE for you to share it - by commenting under this article, or by sending me a message.
But let’s go. Let’s get started.
First things first: DEFINITIONS
Affirmations are positive statements you repeat to yourself, that help you think differently, more positively about things.
You can use affirmations when you’re feeling stuck, when you’re feeling down, when you can’t move forward.
And - whilst we’re at it - manifestation. The Cambridge dictionary tells us it’s bringing your dreams into reality through positive thinking and visualisation.
Money mindset guru Denise Duffield Thomas tells us a story in her book where she and her husband are driving a car and are talking about money. And - literally - when they say to each other ‘money is everywhere’, in the middle of the motorway (!) a load of banknotes lands on their windscreen.
…
Excuse me for being cynical
You can see why I’m cynical, right? Because - whilst I have no doubt that the story is real, somehow - I think I *may* be excused for being a tad cynical?
And, no, in case you wondered, money has never landed on my windscreen in the middle of the motorway. Not after visualising what that might look like. Not even after lots (and lots) of positive thinking.
Oh, and telling myself I’m beautiful whilst looking in the mirror? Or chanting about how successful, wealthy and GREAT I am?
Yeah, that has only ever resulted in me breaking out in uncontrollable giggles.
Bringing out your inner critic
But this is - of course - where the first cracks start to appear.
Because saying these affirmations - out loud - to ourselves DOES make us feel embarrassed, cynical, resistant.
It brings out our inner critics in force:
The Judge, judging us - loudly - from the sideline (‘Who are you calling beautiful, have you LOOKED at yourself lately?’)
The Hyper Achiever (‘Come on! Surely you’ve got better things to get on with?’)
The Pleaser (‘What would others say if they heard me say that?’)
Or whatever YOUR Saboteur or inner critic of choice is telling you.
Happiness is a choice
The thing is …
One of my BIG life lessons is that WE are responsible for our own levels of happiness. That we can CHOOSE to be happy, or happier.
What shape that can take? It can mean something as simple as saying to yourself ‘Open your eyes. Look up. Look around you. Take notice of the world around you.’
Or ‘You’re OK. Everything is OK. Today is going to be OK’.
A reminder, in other words, of the intention you set for yourself.
Which - interestingly - starts to sound a lot like an affirmation.
Everything is energy
It doesn’t stop there.
Yes, by having an INTENTION to be more positive you yourself can be more positive, happier.
But also: our brains have got mirror neurons, a type of neuron that learns from seeing other people act in certain ways.
So, if you start acting more positively, be happier, smile more, act more friendly, be friendlier, the person who interacts with you, hears you, sees you, will IMITATE you and EMPATHISE with you.
Which means that YOUR energy becomes THEIR energy too!
(And - without going all quantum physics on you - my son’s overenthusiastic physics teacher once told his baffled class about ‘quarks’ and ‘beauty quarks’.
No, I still don’t know what they are, exactly. What I got from that conversation though was that the world, you, me, EVERYTHING, is made up of energy. Negative and positive energy, connecting everything.
Meaning that everything is energy. And everything is connected.
Meaning that positive energy turns into positive energy. Or something.
Beauty quarks. It’s even got a great name. Even if I can’t BEGIN to understand what it was all about. Or what quantum physics even is, come to think of it.)
The Law of Attraction
I tried to read it, I really did. But I couldn’t.
The Law of Attraction, the books by Esther and Jerry Hicks, explain their theory of how the law of attraction works, via the ‘teachings’ of a character called Abraham.
Honestly? I found it hard work, precisely because of this format.
But what I gather from the theory behind The Law of Attraction is this:
Positive thoughts bring positive results, whilst negative thinking bring negative results.
To an extent there’s no arguing with this. Because if you THINK more positively, if you visualise what you WANT, you’re more likely to spot opportunities when they come around (which they will).
But - in and of itself - I don’t think it’s enough. Thinking really positive thoughts still doesn’t land me a wad of cash on a motorway (or - you know - in my bank account) or create the reality I’m envisaging.
Which is why the next point is SO important.
The importance of taking action
I wrote a whole newsletter about this, a while back. Because - yes - you can visualise what you want, you can articulate it, you can think more positively in general, you can think and dream REALLY hard about your dreams and wants, you can replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you can spot opportunities when they come round.
But without taking action? Nothing happens. Right?
And it’s THIS that is possibly my biggest bugbear with affirmations and manifestation and - yes - the Law of Attraction too.
Because EACH of these steps takes action:
The action of even REALISING you’re harbouring negative thought patterns.
The action of setting an INTENTION to think differently, to replace negative beliefs with positive ones.
The action of getting clear on what you WANT and DREAM of.
The action of talking to people, of CREATING opportunities, of spotting them when they arrive, of deciding to take them (or not, if they don’t align).
Laser-focused, clear-headed action.
So there you have it
Because - and this may well be my biggest hesitation in ALL of this - it’s YOU who’s the designer and creator of your life.
Wishing and dreaming and thinking really positively, is all GREAT stuff.
But my approach to life and work is a bit more pragmatic:
Yes, by all means use affirmations to drive out your inner critics and listen to what fears and beliefs and thoughts you are harbouring that are keeping you stuck.
Our brains are wired to mimic each other and to be empathetic towards each other. So yes, your positive intent, and positive action, will lead to positive RE-action.
But most of all:
Dream BIG, get clear on what you want, keep your eyes wide open for opportunities and work towards your dreams, whilst all the time …
… keeping on taking small steps forward, every day.
Because it’s ACTION that makes change happen. Fuelled by a VISION for what you want.
That - my friends - is MY take on the use of affirmations and manifestation.
What are YOUR experiences?
Tineke x
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Tineke Tammes is a Career & Creativity Coach and supports professional women in making successful transitions. Besides that she is also a lifelong feminist, part-time portrait artist, never-only-read-one-book-at-any-time reader, and obsessive doodler.
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