The power of not having to be strong
Because even strong women need a soft landing
Hi, I’m Tineke, coach for women feeling stuck in their careers. I publish my newsletter here every Friday, focusing on ONE topic to do with your career, career change, happiness, women and work, creativity and books (I love books!).
I’d LOVE it if you decided to sign up for my Career Freedom newsletter so that you can get it delivered straight into your mailbox every Friday!
It’s what someone said to me the other day. ‘I wish I didn’t have to be strong all the time.’ And when I asked why, she said something I’ll remember for a long time: ‘Because even strong women need a soft landing’. (💛, B!)
It made me think about the time when I collected the career stories of women just like you. The stories women told were aimed to show how non-linear everyone’s careers were. How setbacks, toxic environments and redundancies, led to you finding new ways of finding work, surviving, and eventually thriving again.
And boy, the stories we heard!
Stories of resilience. Stories of strength. Stories of persistence and perseverance in the face of considerable storms. (I *may* start a new series of hearing YOUR career stories 🤔. What do you think? Would you be interested? Do you want to feature YOUR story? Let me know by hitting REPLY).
Anyway, you weathered it all. The toxic workplaces, the misogyny and sexism, the redundancies and threats to your livelihoods.
Because you had to, often.
Because society, the workplace, demanded it.
So here, today, I’m going to write this: there is power in NOT being strong. Not all the time, anyway.
(Which - by the way - is why you didn’t receive a newsletter last week. Good intentions were met with a - let’s say - resistant (read: ill) body, leading to last week’s newsletter being sent to you today).
Let’s get started.
The power of not having to be strong
The meaning of being strong
First of all, what does being ‘strong’ mean to you?
I know what it means to me. To be tough. To tough it out. To laugh things off. To push through when everything in your body and mind screams ‘Nooooo!’ To be exhausted and still show up smiling. To have visions of hitting people, who mistreat you, in the nose (yes, I’m that violent - in my mind at least), but push them down quickly, swallow, take a deep breath and calmly respond to whatever situation is in front of you.
It’s exhausting, this definition of strength, I’m sure you’ll agree.
It might not be yours.
But what IS the definition of strength for women?
Is it about withstanding the forces of societal expectations that there are for women. Is strength about being the big strong tree that withstands the storm? Or are we talking about the more flexible trees that sway in the wind, but stay firmly rooted?
There is:
Physical strength - Your overall fitness and ability to perform certain physical tasks.
Emotional strength - To be able to stay emotionally stable and look after your wellbeing, even if you’re going through loss, bereavements and other emotional upheaval.
Mental strength - Your ability to stay resilient, focused and determined in the face of obstacles.
Social strength - The ability to create connection with others.
Resilience - Your ability to bounce back from setbacks.
Leadership strength - Your ability to lead and advocate for others.
Nurturing strength - Your ability to care for others, whilst still being able to set and maintain healthy boundaries.
How do YOU define strength?
The obstacles women face
I touched on it. The P-word. The patriarchy. The fact that workplaces are still (STILL!) built for men, that women are still getting paid less for the same work. The focus on our appearance, rather than our achievements. The fact that we’re lacking confidence (because ‘infiltrating’ into a world that appears not to belong to us) and that confidence gets rewarded, over competence often.
I don’t have to rattle through the whole tired list again. (And that’s what it is. It’s tiring).
Being strong means being fully aware of the obstacles, being ground down by it on occasion. But getting up regardless. And keeping going.
You’re not perfect - you don’t have to be
The other day I started to read a book, yes, another feminist book. It was called ‘Difficult women’. (I didn’t finish it. Even I can get enough of feminist books).
The point of the book was to show that even women who we revere as strong, feminist, trailblazing women, who made a real difference to the world, were - in actual fact - flawed, or - yes - difficult.
It talked about the private - some of them less than palatable - views of Coco Chanel and it talked about the infighting and vicious politics within the suffragette movement.
The point I’m trying to make here is this: not even women who are up on a pedestal were the character-strong beacons of hope and light - and PERFECTION - we’d like to think they were.
It’s one of the first things I’d like to say: they weren’t perfect.
Being strong means that WE don’t have to be perfect either. That we should be okay with being imperfect.
The power of being you
I’ve checked. In all the years I’ve written these newsletters I’ve NEVER written about Impostor Syndrome (originally more accurately named Impostor Phenomenon - positioning as a temporary cloud over a largely successful career, rather than some sort of long-term illness).
Why?
Because I believe that - due to the aforementioned P-word - we ALL can feel like impostors sometimes. We - still - are in a world where workplaces are designed for men, with no caring responsibilities. Where masculine traits and (over) confidence are rewarded.
No wonder we feel like impostors! Who wouldn’t?
Being strong is not berating ourselves for not feeling confident, for feeling like impostors.
Being strong is doing exactly what you’re doing now: showing up regardless. Doing the work. Feeling the fear and doing it anway.
The power of choosing your behaviours
The other day I got shown a great graph. It went something like this:
It clearly separated your personality (your values, your strengths) from behaviours. It showed how being a (strong) leader required you to display a number of leadership behaviours.
You can choose how to behave.
I’ll say that again. You have the power to choose how you behave.
Your behaviour determines your success at work, your success as a leader.
Being strong means knowing who you are, ensuring your values align with those of the organisation you (want to) work for, and choosing how to behave in a values-driven way to set yourself up for success.
The power of making choices
We are all just human beings, with a limited amount of time, in which we try to cram a LOT. The greatest myth we’ve been told is that you can have - and do - it all. Be brilliant at work (and change the world whilst you’re at it). Run a spotless home. Be everything to your family and friends. Whilst only having 24 hours a day, and on average 4,000 weeks in your lifetime.
Knowing this, ask yourself this question:
What will I prioritise today? This week? This month? This year?
Being strong is not ‘doing it all’. You can’t.
Being strong means prioritising, communicating this to others, and seeking help for those things that you can’t do, but still have to be done. Being strong means admitting that you can’t do it all. Being strong means delegating or deciding NOT to do something. Being strong means trusting others to do stuff.
The power of connection
And finally this: Strong women need a soft landing. I started this article with that.
I’d argue that your ‘soft landing’ comes from connection with others.
Social connections reduce stress, improve your wellbeing, give you a sense of belonging and community, improve your resilience, provide you with support in times of change and improve your mental and physical health.
Being strong means that you invest in your relationships, always. And that you allow others to help you, just like you would help other people when they need it. That you support others, not bring them down.
Because we’re stronger together.
Which is more than ever what I think we need right now.
Being strong.
No, it DOESN’T mean toughing it out, laughing it off. Quite the opposite.
It means standing strong in knowing who you are, behaving in alignment with that, and finding the connection with others to carry on.
Because you’re great, just the way you are.
Love and light!
Tineke X
This summer I’m doing a thing.
I’m offering ONE free one hour coaching session per person.
It’s my way of supporting you during times of global turmoil. It’s my way of supporting you in whatever is going on for you. It’s my way of giving back. It’s my way of - I’ll be honest - finding out what’s going on for you and aligning my offerings to what you need.
So.
Are YOU working through a period of turmoil? Are you fed up of having to be ‘strong’ all the time? Do you want to talk in a safe environment about things that are bothering you at work? Do you simply want a sounding board for ideas you have around the next stage of your career?
I have experience in career, leadership and creativity coaching, and can support you during times of (career) change.
If you are interested in learning more about my coaching offerings, please contact me on info@tineketammescoaching.com
If you’d like to book YOUR coaching session this summer, use the link below to book (use the coupon code Summercoaching2025 on checkout). I can’t WAIT to meet you!
🔴🟡🟠
Tineke Tammes is a Career Coach and supports professional women in making successful career transitions. Besides that she is also a lifelong feminist, part-time portrait artist, never-only-read-one-book-at-any-time reader, obsessive doodler and supporting senior leaders in their career journey.
Sign up to the newsletter and get it delivered to your inbox every Friday.
Signed up but now considering the paid subscription? Go here to find out how. And thank you!
Already signed up? Why not share the newsletter with your friends?