The Dance of Anger - Harriet G. Lerner

Body & Mind book reviews

The Dance of Anger - Harriet G. Lerner

What’s in it

What attitude do YOU choose when you're angry?

The 'Nice Lady' approach? Bite your tongue, suppress it, afraid to speak your mind, afraid to rock the boat? Point your anger INWARD? As if there's something WRONG with you or your anger?

Or the 'Bitchy Woman' approach? Is it easy for you to get angry and 'put up a good fight', but are you - ultimately - not getting anywhere?

I'll let you think for a bit ...

...

What Harriet Lerner says in her book (or rather SAID as the book is from 1989!) is that you are protecting the person you're angry WITH.

'Wait, what? Even when I'm having a full-blown RAGE?', I can hear you say.

Yes. Because, really, what is actually changing as a result?

But the lessons in it? Still as relevant today as they were back then.

Here are some:
🔴 Conflicts are happening in a cycle. There's no point in trying to unravel where they started and who's right or who's wrong. Instead break the cycle.

🔴 Your anger shows you what you WANT. Listen to it. Understand it. And take action accordingly. (But not before you've cooled off a bit!)

🔴 Sometimes the patterns we 'learned' in our first family are taken into next relationships and repeat themselves. Learn from them.

🔴 Sometimes our conflict with one person plays out in our relationship with another. Become aware of those patterns and address the issue with the person it concerns.

🔴 An action will lead to a reaction. Be prepared for counter moves when you decide to change or do something different.

All told in stories that resonate and situations you can relate to and might also find yourself caught up in.

Why I like it
It's my go-to book on anger and relationships. It's one of my Top 6 books that shaped my life, and is still helping me - and others - now.

And yes, it's from 1989. And yes, I’ve read it FOUR times in 30 years. And yes, in places it's a little bit dated.

And you *may* be wondering why I'm talking about anger in the first place.

What that's got to do with your career. Right?

Except, I believe we all have anger. Experience anger. We just call it frustration. Express it in cynical remarks. Make ourselves unhappy with it. Are scared of it.

But anger just IS.

Anger shows you direction. It shows you what you WANT.

Anger is direction AND fuel.

You can USE your anger to bring about change. Including in your career.

Which is EXACTLY why I'm talking about it.

Brilliant book. Even now.