Stubbornness and its antidote: Empathy
And what all this has to do with your happy career
Drawing by Tineke Tammes
If you had shown me this 🔼 picture, say, 15 years ago, I would have laughed.
Love yourself. Yeah right. What kind of new age rubbish would you have me believe in next?
Except …
Except I’ve come to realise that empathy and self-love is the absolute CORNER STONE of creating a happy career and life.
(And even now, whilst I’m writing this sentence, knowing what I know, I STILL find myself cringe. Interesting observation. 🤔)
So join me on this journey, which - I suspect - will take me a lifetime to master.
On expectations and values
You see, where I grew up, expectations were HIGH. A calvinistic society, a hardworking family, expectations on how to behave, on who to be, on what constituted ‘work’, what was the ‘right’ thing to do, the ‘right’ people to associate with and what work - obviously! - would lead to moral and financial destitution and should therefore be steered away from.
I KNEW.
And I was compliant. I studied hard, worked hard, was stubborn and headstrong. If someone told me I couldn’t do something I’d show them the opposite.
That was my coping strategy: working hard. Working hard to survive, working hard to get praise, working hard to … well, just working hard - full stop.
On stubbornness and receiving - and ignoring - advice
I remember my mum saying it, on MANY occasions: ‘Why don’t you go and work part-time? Enjoy your life a bit more’
My stubborn brain? Heard this: ‘Why don’t you just get me some grandchildren to dote over? Have an EASY life? DON’T use your hard-earned (law - can you believe it?) degree and instead become a housewife? Let your husband (I didn’t have a husband) look after you? Oh, and why not get married whilst you’re at it?’
What - of course - she was saying was, well, exactly what she was saying! ‘Don’t be so HARD on yourself! I want to see you happy!’
Which I ignored. Because it wasn’t in alignment with what I - by that time - believed.
You see, the brain works like that.
Once neural pathways have been established, once you’ve COMMITTED, you’re very unlikely to back down from a chosen path.
(And if you want to read an interesting book about how committing to something *might* just persuade you to stubbornly go down your chosen path, read Influence, by Robert Cialdini - it’s eye-opening!).
How information gets filtered
Your brain interprets the things you’re hearing in the light of your own biases, your values, the things you believe in, the thoughts and beliefs you have about the world, other people and yourself.
Your values
Your values are formed at an early age and stay pretty constant throughout your life. Mine? Equality and justice are strong ones.
So yes, being told NOT to use my skills and talents? To NOT be treated equally to men? To NOT work as hard? To be looked after by someone? Red rag to a bull. Even if that was never the intention of what was said.
Now, I’m the first one to say that values are important. And to live in accordance with them. But if I had a magic wand and could transport myself back 25 years? I would have been firm about my values, whilst being kind to myself and others.
Your biases
Everyone is biased in one way or another. I knew it and got taught all about it in a Diversity & Inclusion course my employer made mandatory for all new line managers.
What I was taught in that (three day, those were the days) course was that - whilst we all have biases - in our professional lives we should not act in accordance with them.
That you have a choice how to act.
And I believe this to be true in our personal lives too.
Like the course leader said: ‘Have a rant about everything in the privacy of your own bathroom. But when you come out, behave as if you have no bias.’
Your beliefs
Your beliefs are thought patterns: long-worn neural pathways in your brain that have ‘grown’ like that over time and are being reinforced with each thought or experience.
Your brain is amazing. Most of the time it works on auto-pilot. So that you don’t have to think about things too much. Which means that - when new information comes in - you automatically categorise it in accordance to what it is used to (or discarding the thought if it doesn’t fit).
Recognising that you’ve GOT those beliefs is a very first step. Changing your neural pathways and setting out on a NEW path in your brain? Requires recognition that this is happening and a dedicated practice to creating NEW paths in your brain.
Your Judge
All this filtering is being vocalised via your Judge. Your judge is the voice in your head who berates you. Who tells you off. The Judge tells you EXACTLY what she thinks of you, people around you and the world, and none of it is good.
The judge is your coping mechanism and your inner voice.
The judge is also the main reason you’re here. Not here-here. But here, as in alive. Your judge is GREAT at spotting dangers, at alerting you to things that might go wrong. Your judge, in other words, is FEAR.
Except a judge on overdrive is the one constantly yapping in your ear about how you are useless (and need to work - even - harder 🙄), how others are useless too and how the circumstances you’re finding yourself in are BAD.
Which is not helpful when you’re NOT in mortal danger (but instead in a meeting, or doing a presentation, say).
Your accomplice Saboteurs
What your judge is also GREAT at?
Giving voice to your accomplice Saboteurs. You’ve met mine in a previous issue of this newsletter (Creativity and work, work and creativity).
Over the last seven months I’ve been heavily invested in the Positive Intelligence programme. And I - and the amazing women in my programme - have come up close and personal with our accomplice saboteurs.
Your accomplice saboteurs are your strengths on overdrive:
Do you LOVE doing things for other people? The shadow side of that might be that your Pleaser saboteur takes over.
Are you a high achiever? Good on you! Until your Hyper Achiever takes over and never gives you a moment’s rest until you’ve achieved that ever-elusive ‘success’.
Are you easy-going? Always there to help smooth things over? Your Avoider might be just around the corner helping you to avoid life’s harder tasks and make you procrastinate.
The anti-dote: Empathy
Now, in the Positive Intelligence programme we are this week working on Empathy.
Last week I introduced you to the wisdom of ‘my’ psychologist.
He - too - was keen on being a lot kinder to yourself. To ALLOW yourself things. To make yourself happy.
And when I write that down it sounds so simple, right? Why WOULDN’T you?
Except, KNOWING it - in your brain, logically - is not the same as FEELING it.
Theoretically ALLOWING yourself is not the same as practically DOING it.
Which is why - in the programme - we do this Empathy exercise:
We take a childhood picture, and really look at it. See the essence of that person. Who she was back then. Who she still is now. And practice our empathy skill.
(And yes, this is me, at a friend’s birthday party, back in the seventies. Awww 🤗).
I KNOW - not just intellectually, but in my body - that EMPATHY is the answer, the anti-dote. Deeply felt empathy. Empathy you feel IN your body. For yourself to start with. And for others too.
And THAT, my friends, I believe to be the anti-dote.
The anti-dote for stubbornness.
The anti-dote for the judge.
The anti-dote for accomplice Saboteurs
The anti-dote for unhappiness.
Because you, me, EVERYONE, deserves to be happy. At work and in life.
And no, that’s not cringy (it’s NOT!). Instead it’s a guideline for your life and work.
Not something to aspire to, but a lifelong intention for your everyday actions.
That’s how I look at it. And I’m sticking with it.
Agree? Let me know what role empathy plays in YOUR life by hitting Reply.
Tineke x
What else?
Endings and beginnings:
This week I’ve made the incredibly difficult - but right - decision to shut down my community Pick ‘n Mix - for creative, multi-passionate women.
When I set up my community I aimed to provide a community where women could come together and celebrate their creativity and multi-passionate-ness (if that were a word), and have an easy way of meeting women from diverse backgrounds (so that they could easily find out what other people do). And that’s exactly what it was.
But the world has changed since 2022. You are all back in the office and have less TIME to dedicate to - well - EVERYTHING, including Pick ‘n Mix.
So I’ve decided to close the community down, which I will do on 17 August. But not before we’ve had a joyful, celebratory 14 day, Pick ‘n Mix countdown celebration extravaganza! Because we’ve done a LOT! EASILY enough to celebrate ONE thing we did EVERY DAY!
I’d invite you if you’re not already a member.
But that would be pointless.
Empathy and mental fitness:
Are you curious about the Positive Intelligence programme? Want to know more about how you - too - can build YOUR mental fitness and quieten the persistent voice of the Judge?
Make sure you book your Saboteur Discovery Call this summer and we’ll get clear on which saboteur is stopping YOU from creating a happy career! Totally FREE!
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Tineke Tammes is an ICF trained career coach, who supports professional women in find fulfilling work and create happy careers with her Career Freedom coaching programme!
Besides that she is also a lifelong feminist, part-time portrait artist, never-only-read-one-book-at-any-time reader, and obsessive doodler.
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