Drawing by Tineke Tammes
I was going to write a cracking article about boundaries. I was! And I still will. Just not today.
Because this week I felt like I - and everyone else - was being bombarded with a number of stories that were upsetting and infuriating in equal measure:
The article in Newsweek that said that Taylor Swift - instead of, you know, being a billion dollar mega-star who has donated enough money to keep local foodbanks going for a year in the cities she plays in - should stop having such a lively love life and should instead start being a role model by settling down, getting married and having babies.
(A woman giving away money? To help battle poverty? Whilst entertaining and empowering millions of women and girls across the world? Sounds like a role model to me!)The TV company ESPN who spent 20 seconds filming and broadcasting two young women eating an ice cream in a hot baseball stadium, which promptly was shared on social media and absolutely bombarded with abuse.
(Watch the absolutely brilliant, resolute and confident response from one of the women here: Annie).Sir Keir Starmer, the UK’s prime minister-to-be (at time of writing), said that he likes to stop working at 6 pm on a Friday so that he can spend time with his family. Only to be absolutely torn down by the Conservative party for his ‘part-timer’ attitude.
(Which only shows how desperate the Conservative campaign has become.)A social media post that spoke about the list of things that MEN think are the result of and contributing to the patriarchy (I think it was - five?) and the list that women made (which was much - MUCH - longer).
(Meaning that there is still SO MUCH to do when it comes to educating the men around us about our lived experience.)The BBC still employing Nick Kyrgios to be a commentator in their Wimbledon coverage, even though he is well known for his misogynistic comments and the fact that he pled guilty to assaulting his girlfriend in 2021.
(Meaning I can now no longer even watch Wimbledon!)The debate between Joe Biden and Donald Trump, where the former was ridiculed and lambasted for struggling with his words and we now have to face the very real prospect of a convicted criminal with well-known misogynistic views being the next president of the United States.
(Joe Biden has a STAMMER, was tired and therefore had trouble getting his words out. Give the man a BREAK!)
Three women who are part of the GB rugby squad posing in a lingerie campaign called #StrongIsBeautiful, which has been widely criticised for being ‘regressive and sexist’
(No men were spotted in their underwear, obviously. But go on! Let’s try and find REASONS why #StrongIsBeautiful can only be shown by women in their underwear. Men don’t have to be beautiful? Men are already strong? Men are strong without the need to take their clothes off? Come on! Help me out, I’m struggling here!)To top it all off I’m currently reading The Mother of Invention by Katrine Marçal that talks about how bias and ideologies around gender have shaped the world. Not necessarily for the better.
(I probably didn’t have to add this last bit, but I will anyway).
Meaning that I’m now trying to avoid social media, the news, Wimbledon AND *may* not finish the book either.
Meaning I’m tired.
And yes, of course I can avoid all of it, or at least to attempt to do that. And yes, that would - at least temporarily - make me marginally less tired.
But that doesn’t make it go away, now does it?
So today I’m just sitting with all of this ☝️ for a bit.
Letting my emotions wash over me. Feeling tired.
Wondering how to respond to all this.
Because we’re fighting a formidable enemy, the patriarchy.
A system that - evidently - a lot of men (and probably a lot of women too) don’t even recognise. Like - as Glennon Doyle would say - the toxic fumes we are not even aware of inhaling.
So what next?
Yes, I’m going to have to think about this. But for now these are my thoughts on how to approach this - so obviously broken - system:
Awareness - The system IS broken. And the examples of one week - LESS than a week - of absorbing the media messages I’ve shared above is just the tip of the iceberg.
Awareness is the very first step. Once you see it you’ll see it everywhere.
Communicate - Talk to people around you, especially men. Your husband or partner. Your sons and daughters. Your friends. Your colleagues. Your parents. Tell them what you’re noticing, how what’s happening affects you, how it will - probably already is - affecting your kids.
Talk to them about sexism and misogyny, about micro-aggressions and allyship. Talk to them about periods and the menopause. Talk to them about shame and vulnerability. Talk to them about …
So that they - too - are aware of YOUR lived experience. And that of so many other women.
Listen - The patriarchy is a system. A system that hurts men as well. One of the most insightful books I’ve read in recent years, that talks about the lived experience of MEN in the patriarchy is The descent of men by Grayson Perry.
So, what is the lived experience of men around you? How are THEY affected? Let’s listen to each other.
Educate - Watch this video with Lucille Ball. This was 1978. Attitudes only change around us if we start educating others on what’s acceptable and what isn’t.
Which means educating your kids about consent, about boundaries, about invasion of privacy, about treating others with empathy and respect.
And finally …
Visualise - Let’s all envisage a future where everyone can be themselves.
We’ve all grown up in a patriarchal society. We don’t have a model of how it can be different readily available to us.
So let’s imagine one. Let’s imagine where this can be true:
Where women can feel safe. Physically safe as a very first starting point. But safe from the daily onslaught in the media, in our communities, of what women ‘should’ be like too.
Where men can feel safe to be themselves. Without being ridiculed or found incompetent.
Where we all use compassion and empathy to help each other get better.
Because honestly? I’m sick of it. Tired of it. Literally.
But I’ll do anything in my little corner of the world to help make the above happen.
What about you? What do YOU think?
End of manifesto. 🙄
Tineke X
PQ News
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Tineke Tammes is a Career & Creativity Coach supporting professional women in creating fulfilling work and happy careers. Besides that she is also a lifelong feminist, part-time portrait artist, never-only-read-one-book-at-any-time reader, and obsessive doodler.
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