(In)visible women
A (not so) mini-rant
Hi, I’m Tineke, coach for women feeling stuck in their careers. I publish my newsletter here every Friday, focusing on ONE topic to do with your career, career change, happiness, women and work, creativity and books (I love books!).
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Do you feel invisible? I asked innocently.
You see, by the time I wrote that in a post on LinkedIn I had seen at least THREE posts or articles where women were noticing that they were invisible. And when I say invisible, I mean LITERALLY invisible in some cases.
Stories of women having to push themselves through a throng of young men, because they LITERALLY didn’t see her (that is, until they met with the inevitably heavy bags she was carrying. Oops!).
Stories of women who felt invisible at work, spoken over, interrupted, ignored, overlooked for promotion.
Stories of women who had difficulty finding themselves a partner, or meet ANYONE, as they felt totally UNSEEN.
So yeah, I asked the question. Innocently. In a poll on LinkedIn (the poll is now closed but you can still see it here).
I followed it up too. With both the women who said they DID and the others who said they DIDN’T feel invisible. To see the difference.
The reason I’m talking about this? Because some of the stories stopped me short. Because some of the insights were profound. Because I thought ‘I need to DO something with this’.
So here are my first thoughts on this. (Now this topic has settled in my brain, however, there WILL be more to come).
I’d LOVE for you to contribute to this discussion too! Let me know - via email or in the comments - what YOU think. Are YOU invisible? Do you FEEL invisible? And why (not)?
But let’s get to it.
FEELING invisible
I quite deliberately worded my poll like this. Because there is a whole world of difference between BEING invisible and FEELING invisible.
BEING invisible is when OTHERS don’t see you or hear you. When they - perhaps - CHOOSE to overlook (or hire?) you. Or - in the example of the young men - are so self-absorbed that they don’t notice ANYTHING outside their little world.
FEELING invisible is when you FEEL - well - invisible. When you have internalised that others no longer notice you. That you FEEL old, unseen, unnoticed, unheard, overlooked.
But why? Well, here’s what you said.
Attention
The first thing I want to mention is attention. It is well documented that our attention is being scattered.
A few months ago I did a poll saying ‘Is YOUR attention scattered?’. You know how many people said yes? A staggering 80% of people said that their attention was scattered (too).
What’s to blame? I’ll give you a clue. It’s got a black screen and lots of enticing apps on it.
Yes, of course it’s your phone*. It’s the social media apps on the phone. It’s the big tech companies who want to keep you on their platforms as long as possible. To bombard you with adverts, to keep you connected with people who you haven’t seen in real life for years or ever.
This means that even when you talk to someone face to face they will STILL be distracted. Their distracting friend only an arms-length away.
And yes, this lack of attention leads to not feeling seen or heard, to getting only a fraction of someone’s attention, never their full attention. It’s heartbreakingly lonely.
Your environment
One of the more insightful comments I received was from women who said ‘I grew up in a really supportive environment’. ‘My parents encouraged me to try everything’. ‘My partner pushes me to do all sorts of things’. Words to that effect, anyway.
Now you can’t change what happened in the past. So if you’ve not been encouraged to be visible, if you’ve instead been told to keep quiet, to make yourself small, then - yes - you’re starting from a different starting point than those women.
But there is only now that you can change.
Which means that - if you’re currently finding yourself in a situation where you’re feeling invisible - I’d like to encourage you to start with one thing.
With noticing WHY you’re feeling invisible. WHO around you are making you feel that way? What do they do to make you feel that way?
And to think about how you’d like to feel and be treated instead.
Age and beauty
Now, at this point in this article I SHOULD probably dive into mindset. But I want to make a little detour first into age and beauty.
Because a number of women were quick to say that they STOPPED making themselves look pretty. They embraced their grey hairs. They no longer bothered making themselves look good FOR OTHERS.
The thing is, as a younger woman you’re used to the ‘male gaze’ (I never saw this more aptly demonstrated than when I read this post about a transgender woman who was complaining about not being able to go for a jog without being stared at).
And - let’s address this - you *may* mourn the fact that you’re no longer young and pretty. You may mourn the fact that the youth and beauty of your younger years are going.
But what if there is a different perspective?
What if THIS is the period in which you are at your strongest? You’re further on in your career. Women ‘of a certain age’ are KNOWN to make the majority of the household spending decisions (the power!). You feel secure in knowing WHO you are and what you’re GREAT at. Your hormones are steadying and constant throughout the month. And - best of all - there is NO male gaze.
What - in other words - if we turned that (in)visibility into REAL power?
People at work
I say people. But we know who we mean, right?
People at work who talk over you. Who ignore you. Who steal your idea and pass them off as theirs. Some of the women I spoke with said this is exactly what happens to them.
‘I am talking’, is what Kamala Harris famously said.
And no, without knowing the context of what’s happening in those meetings I’m not advocating that’s what you say in all circumstances.
But what you CAN do is ensuring that you support other women in meetings. That you echo their ideas, before they get appropriated by others. That you say ‘I’d like to hear what Emma says first and then get on to what you want to say’ when someone is interrupted.
What you can do is to be assertive. To speak up for yourself. And to build the relationships so that less of this happens to YOU in meetings, too.
Networking and relationships
I know, I know. Networking, for a lot of women, is a dirty word. Due to the transactional *whiff* it often has.
So let’s call it ‘staying connected’ instead, shall we?
The thing is, some of the women who said ‘No’ to my poll, said this: I feel I need to stay CONSISTENT in where and how I make connections.
So yes, asking for an introduction, a favour, when you haven’t spoken to someone for years can feel icky.
But consistently building and maintaining your network? Sending someone an article that made you think of them? Thinking of them when something comes up that might require their expertise? Including them in conversations? In other words, CONNECTING with people, empathetically and warmly?
Isn’t that what we’re GREAT at? What we LOVE doing?
(So - implicit question - why aren’t we doing it?)
Mindset and assertiveness
But the biggest difference in ALL the stories I’ve heard?
The women who said No all had THIS in common: they REFUSED to be invisible.
Point blank refused.
They sometimes ENJOYED being invisible, but stepped out of the shadow when they needed. They were assertive and felt empowered to speak up and connect with others.
Which - as one of them quite rightly said - was down to mindset. The mindset that you matter. That what you say and want matters.
Accompanied by the skills and assertiveness to speak up when you need to and be visible to the people that matter.
Conclusion
The truth is, I’ve heard some sad accounts. Of women not feeling good enough, not pretty enough. Of women not feeling THEY’RE enough. Full stop.
I’m hearing stories of loneliness, of disconnect. Of an environment that doesn’t allow your voice to be heard.
But most of all, I’ve heard what the difference is. The intrinsic self-worth that women who REFUSE to be ignored feel. The unwillingness to accept that you’re somehow ‘past it’ or ‘invisible’. The deliberate steps that women take to create the environment around them that supports them. To connect with people, warmly and CONSISTENTLY.
And yes, instead of a mini-rant, which I was intended on having when I started this newsletter, I’m going to instead turn this around and say this.
You matter. What you WANT and who you ARE matters.
And, what others think of you matters a whole lot less than what you think. Most of the time they’re not even thinking of you at all!
Instead, I’d invite you to think about who you want to be, what environment that requires, which people you choose to invite into that world and what YOU need to do to make what matters to YOU, happen.
THAT’S what my big takeaway is. That, plus the fact that this conversation is not over. Because - somehow - I feel that there is MORE that I can support you with.
But first? Let’s talk. About what it means to be (in)visible. About if YOU feel invisible - and why. What you would like support on.
Because I firmly believe that THIS is YOUR time. Now let’s get started …
Tineke X
*Want to read a GREAT book about how your focus is stolen by social media companies? Read Stolen Focus by Johann Hari. You can read my manifesto about focus here: Focus has left the building
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(Here is what others said:
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Tineke Tammes is a Career & Creativity Coach and supports professional women in making successful transitions. Besides that she is also a lifelong feminist, part-time portrait artist, never-only-read-one-book-at-any-time reader, and obsessive doodler.
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So many good points in your article about feeling invisible, thank you. I feel that especially around age, and around “those people” at work as you say.
What’s great about midlife, is I don’t care what other people think as much. So if I’m aggressively interrupted, I’ll push back.