How your cynicism makes YOU unhappy
Or: how to improve your job without changing it
Hi, I’m Tineke, coach for women feeling stuck in their careers. I publish my newsletter here every Friday, focusing on ONE topic to do with your career, career change, happiness, women and work, creativity and books (I love books!).
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‘Cynical people are frustrated idealists’
I thought I’d give you the punchline up front. (I’m a terrible joke teller, giggling all the way through the joke and then fudging the punchline. So this is totally consistent to how I normally conduct myself 🙄🤭).
It’s what I saw written in a LinkedIn post.
When I read it the first time it hit me like a ton of bricks.
You see, I was already in recovery. A staunchly committed, but now recovering cynic.
And - in hindsight - I could see that this was true.
Us cynics want things to be so much better. We (notice the ‘we’? Evidently I still think of myself as a cynic, hmmm 🤔).
We have expectations. We have hopes. We believe in the goodness of the world, whilst still frantically trying to manage the risks of it going wrong. Because it WILL go wrong. We know that for a fact. (Except for the small thing that - in 80% of cases - it ISN’T fact and we have worried for nothing).
Now, you might not be a cynic. This might not apply to you. But if you are, if you’re on the ‘doom’ and ‘cup half empty’ side of the spectrum, if you’re a worrier, if you’re a Black Hat thinker through and through, then read on. There’ll be something here for you, I’m sure.
How your cynicism makes you unhappy
What is cynicism?
You see, you’re not born a cynic. I’d argue you don’t even go into the workplace with a cynical attitude. (Well, I didn’t, and I was trained as a lawyer, notoriously the most negative, risk-averse and cynical people out - because that’s what you’re being trained to be!)
Cynicism grows when you stop believing in the good intentions of people and start to grow a deep distrust of people around you.
It may feel like:
Burnout - where you feel detached from yourself and from people around you.
Moral injury - You may have seen or experienced incidences where personal values were trampled over and discarded.
Learned helplessness - And most of all, you may feel that you have no opportunity to control or even influence what’s happening around you.
The impact of cynicism on others
The impact of your cynicism is huge.
You’re the grumpy one. The realistic one, you tell yourself, and anyone who wants to listen.
But what you really are is the downer. The grump. The one that can’t see the positive side of things. The one that douses everything in a dose of ‘realism’, that is only real in your life.
The thing is, your negativity, your cynicism, rubs off on others. The mirror neurons in our brains get to work quickly and your behaviour will become the behaviour, the attitude of others.
And you know what the consequence of that is?
Yes, that you never get round to exploring opportunities. That you stay where you are, because you don’t want to make mistakes. That you feel - EVERYONE feels - helpless, demotivated, unhappy.
The benefits of cynicism
Sorry, what?
Yes, for you to STAY cynical there MUST be benefits, reasons why you STAY cynical.
Because if you know that cynicism makes you unhappy (learned helplessness is known to lead to unhappiness, as you’re losing agency and control over what is happening to you), then why do you continue to have this attitude?
What are the benefits for you?
Does your cynical attitude mean that you always prepare for every eventuality?
Do you secretly enjoy the laughs you get when you use your cynical wit?
Does it make you feel superior to others, the ones who are - at best - naive, at worst …. ?
The consequences of your cynicism for YOU
Yes, all that cynicism, despite the benefits you’ve just listed for yourself, makes you unhappy.
Unhappy because you’re not in control, you’ve learned to feel helpless, and use your cynicism to protect yourself.
Unhappy because you give away your control, by believing everything to be ‘done TO you’, rather than taking opportunities to make changes.
Unhappy because your (too high?) expectations are never being met.
Unhappy because the demotivation and resistance of others to work with or for you makes life extra hard. (Positive energy is contagious).
Unhappy because you’re inclined to believe the worst, rather than to look for the good.
What now?
So now what?
First of all, if you’ve read as far as this and have recognised some of yourself in this, I’d like to say: it’s not too late, you can change. Right now.
Here are some tips:
Start noticing GOOD things in your life. Start writing them down. At least three things each day. The sun that shines. The fact you’re healthy. How your rose has got 15 buds. That book you’re reading. Start listing the things you’re grateful for and notice how your mood starts lifting and your attitude changing.
Reflect in your journal. I’m a fan of journals. Now. I didn’t used to. But journals are the ultimate reflective tool in which to notice changes happening in your emotions and moods.
Start looking at things from a different perspective. Pick a scenario and look at that scenario from a really cynical perspective first. This should be easy, but REALLY go for it. Then change position, stand if you’re sitting, sit if you’re standing. And look at it from an overly positive perspective. Be as outrageously optimistic as you can. Pick one other perspective: anxious, curious, confused, and one other position. Now evaluate - what did you learn?
Do something nice for others. Leave a recommendation on someone’s LinkedIn profile. Do some shopping for someone. Ask someone at work about their hobby. Write a nice letter or card to someone. DOING something nice makes us FEEL good.
Make a ‘good boss’/’bad boss’ list and list the good and bad qualities of every manager you’ve ever had. Reflect on which of these qualities you have yourself.
Good positive energy helps others grow AND makes you happy too. Kim Cameron, Professor of Management and Organizations, calls this the ‘heliotropic effect’, where people GROW because of the impact of positive energy and compassion of others on them.
Oh, and if you’re still cynical and unbelieving after this article? I am the last one to judge.
As a fellow recovering cynic, I would have been the first to dismiss what I’ve just said as ‘toxic positivity’ (or words to that effect).
To you, I say: start small.
Start writing your gratitude journal (yes, those 3 positive things in your life that you’re grateful for). Do it for 3 weeks, and notice how you feel.
You feel - well - cynical and self-conscious. I know you do.
But do it anyway. Write in your journal. Reflect on your emotions. See what happens.
From one (recovering) cynic to another: I know it works. It will feel cringy at first, and then it will start to get easier, and then you’ll start to enjoy doing some of the exercises and seeing the results.
Agency over your actions. Less worry, more trust. Easier working relationships.
Versus the occasional laugh over a cynical witticism, but mainly worry and concern (read: doom and gloom) over situations that may never happen.
I know what I’d choose. Correction: what I CHOSE.
You?
Are you a cynic? What benefits do YOU get from it? What would you like to change?
Hit ‘reply’ to let me know!
Tineke X
P.S.1 Are you currently considering a change in career? In June I will be able to work with ONE client on creating clarity on what to change your career to in my Career Freedom coaching programme
P.S. 2 Not sure if you want to change careers, but DEFINITELY want to be happier at work, resolve an issue, take that next career step?
I now offer flexible coaching packages to help you take your next steps. Check them out here: Career Coaching packages
P.S.3 A few weeks ago I wrote a guest blog in
’s amazing Metamorphosis Map (all about change, and travel, with some incredible drawings!). Read my Journey That Changed Me story here: Being In-Between🔴🟡🟠
Tineke Tammes is a Career Coach and supports professional women in making successful career transitions. Besides that she is also a lifelong feminist, part-time portrait artist, never-only-read-one-book-at-any-time reader, and obsessive doodler.
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A pinch of cynicism can be helpful - it's better than toxic positivity for sure! But too much drags us and others down. Nice tips for getting the balance right while staying true to yourself, Tineke. Thanks for your kind words about The Metamorphosis Map, too! Have a wonderful weekend!