Dealing with difficult people
Literally EVERYTHING would be easier without people
Drawing by Tineke Tammes
True story:
Two teams had been allowed to grow alongside each other. Doing practically the same thing. No senior manager was willing to tackle the issue. No, instead the managers of the teams were ‘invited’ to play along nicely. To get on. To make it work.
We were all invited to a team meeting. Our manager told us she had been invited - by way of a bonding exercise, I suppose - to introduce the role of the other team. And vice versa.
This is what happened. No word of a lie. Twenty people in a room. All patiently waiting for the meeting to start. The team manager of the other team rolls into the meeting room 10 minutes late. One manager, already on edge, dutifully starts the meeting, explains what the other team does. The other manager totally dismisses our team, not clear on what the team does, no interest either. A shouting match between the two managers ensues.
The team slowly wants to disappear into their chairs. Wanting to be ANYWHERE but here.
Honestly, work would be SO MUCH easier if it didn’t involve people!
How often have I said that over the course of my career? Yet it’s people we do it all WITH and FOR!
Who ARE these difficult people?
We all know them, right? The people you can pinpoint as being difficult. Disagreeable.
Now if you take the Big Five personality trait of Agreeableness, there are a number of characteristics that make up for someone’s UN-agreeableness (is that a word?):
callousness - lacking in empathy for others
grandiosity - feeling they’re better than others,
aggressiveness - being hostile and rude to others,
suspicion - lacking in trust of others,
manipulativeness - only using others for their own means,
dominance - wanting to be on top and domineering over others, and
risk-taking - wanting to take unnecessary risks for the thrill of it
Recognise any of these traits? Yeah, me too.
(True story:
One of the senior managers in my place of work was big on aggressiveness. He would kick the door on his way into meeting rooms. He confessed (read: he just said it!) that he always preferred to ‘threaten’ people to do what he wanted. After which I had to collect my jaw from the floor. Honestly!)
What makes people difficult?
You see, I’m going to make a bold statement here: I don’t think people are BORN difficult.
I think their mums thought they were lovely babies-slash-toddlers. How nicely they played with the other children! How lovely his drawings! How sweetly she shared her toys with the neighbour’s kids!
So, what happens? What happens between being THAT person and the person who is now making your life a misery?
Yeah, life happens.
Someone’s personality means that they might already be vigilant and anxious, which gets worse when ‘bad’ things happen in their lives.
Someone’s life might have taken some unfortunate twists and turns making them in the person they are now.
They might be surrounded by people who are confirming some biases that were already dormant.
They might - right this minute - find themselves in challenging personal circumstances, that don’t leave them with enough headspace to act any different.
They might have found themselves doing a job they are completely unsuited for and unhappy in, and you’re the unlucky person who has found themselves working with this person.
The point is, as Brené Brown says,
Everyone is doing the best they can with what they’ve got
Coping mechanisms (‘Saboteurs’) that have helped that ‘difficult’ person to get to where they are today may be on overdrive in their interactions with you.
What role do YOU play?
Have you ever found yourself in a massive big row? Found yourself completely hijacked by your emotions? Every time your mouth opened something even MORE devastating comes out? Adding even MORE fuel to an already burning fire?
Yeah.
Now, I’m not suggesting that this is happening at work (well, it DOES, see my first story), I sincerely hope it doesn’t for your sake.
But the point I’m making here is that YOU too have Saboteurs. You too have biases, things you’re hyper-alert to, things that irritate the living daylights out of you, values that can be crushed by ignorant or wilfully difficult people.
Which is why, whenever you deal with difficult people, I’d recommend starting with YOU.
Yes, you’re dealing with difficult people. But getting hijacked? Having a shouting match? Meeting conflict with even more conflict?
Yeah, I didn’t think you'd want that. I don’t think it’s very wise either.
What you CAN do
Get calm
The most important thing in dealing with difficult people … is you. How YOU respond. And I say ‘respond’ on purpose. Because it’s so easy to just react, in the moment.
I believe the VERY first thing you need is to get calm (if you’re not) and stay calm. To find ways of regulating your emotions, so that you can approach a situation with a cool head.
Stop judging
We all have them - our inner Judge, who provides you with a running commentary on how YOU’re doing, how OTHERS are doing and - well - the state of the world, or the workplace, and how it doesn’t live up to your expectations (to name just a few things your mind can be chattering about).
YOU do it. And so does the other person. So, difficult as it may be, but what would happen if you postpone judgement? If you decide to have an open mind? If you accept that even only as little as 10% of what the other person says *might* be (ahem) true?
Let’s start there!
Use empathy
Remember that little boy who could draw so beautifully? The little girl sharing all her toys? Yeah, they’re still there. Underneath that barbed wire and prickly exterior.
Take a moment to consider this. Who IS this person, really? Underneath it all?
THAT’s using empathy.
Listen
We all do it. We listen, so that we can come up with an even better, wittier, more cutting response.
Except, let’s not. Let’s REALLY listen! Without judgement, without bias, without ALL the weight of our experiences and lives. Let’s listen instead for that 10% I talked about. Because it IS there. I promise you.
Set boundaries
Trust is a beautiful thing. Except you’re not in that space yet. So, be clear on your boundaries. On what is absolutely a red line for you. And consider what your action will be when this red line has been crossed. Boundaries are kind is what I wrote in a previous article. Communicating and maintaining boundaries also builds trust and respect.
Find common ground
Say you’re finding yourself working with difficult people. You HAVE to work with this person. What if we were to assume that they - too - have a desire to make this work? That they have some genuine concerns about that thing-that-you’re-doing?
Yes, finding common ground means you’ll be able to find a way through the noise. Who knows, you might just have created a big advocate!
Stay close
When I still worked in change management it wasn’t the notoriously difficult people I found difficult. The moaners, the nasties, the arms-crossed-on-the-front-row people. No, it was the indifferent, the ones that didn’t care, the ones that never showed up. THEY were the difficult ones!
Which is why I always told my team to stay close. To go and find the quiet ones. To keep the loud ones close, but the quiet ones closer still.
Because the ‘difficult’ loud ones have found a voice to express their concerns. The other ones? May be too scared to say anything, but need to be heard just the same.
Stay close so that you can hear them.
Go high when they go low
Famous Michelle Obama quote:
When they go low, we go high
We’re not here for an argument (are we?). We’re here, in our jobs, in our lives, to get stuff DONE, to move forward, to resolve things.
Which means that - if they go low, you go high. You get calm and collected, check in with yourself and determine your next steps. Take the steps I’ve talked about above.
Because even difficult people have reasons why they’re acting the way they’re acting. And it’s YOUR job to figure out a way forward.
Because nothing changes if YOU don’t change. The only person you have control over is - you guessed it - YOU.
So let’s start there!
A special word on psychopaths
The other day I read a post that really stuck with me. It was about a psychopath at work.
It was chilling. And recognisable.
Looking back at my career I now definitely suspect SOME people of psychopathic tendencies: superficially charming, overestimation of themselves, lack of remorse or guilt, lack of empathy, a liar, manipulative, no real emotions, I could go on.
These people stop at nothing to get what they want. They disproportionally end up being in senior positions and their impact is devastating: bullying, gossiping, setting people up against each other, managing up, whilst kicking down.
Difficult people? Yes. Assuming that you can use empathy to change their behaviour? Hmmm.
No, in the case of psychopaths I’d go back to the list and get crystal clear on your boundaries. Especially with psychopaths your boundaries are SO important! Because they mark how far you’re willing to ‘play along’ with the psychopath.
But better still? If you’re the victim of one? Get out. With your head held high.
Because it’s not you, it’s them. Because YOU’re great - albeit unlucky to have met this person.
You deserve better. So go and get it!
Tineke X
What else?
Conflict and your judge
This summer I’m offering my Saboteur Discovery Call FREE. In this 45 minute free call you’ll:
Use some of the techniques that will help you reduce the inner mind chatter
Talk about your assessment results and explore in more depth your top 1 or 2 Saboteurs
Consider how your Saboteur shows up for you and what the impact of him or her is on your performance, your relationships and your stress levels
So that you can start listening to the REAL you and start finding out what you WANT in your career (and life).
So that you - too - can benefit from growing your power of empathy - for yourself, and for others.
So that you use YOUR powers of explore, navigate, innovate and activate to help you create the career and life you want.
Are you ready?
Book it here:
Endings and transitions
Last week my community Pick ‘n Mix - for creative, multi-passionate women closed. We held a two week celebration to celebrate ALL we did in Pick ‘n Mix AND had a Great Big Celebration BASH on Friday 16 August.
I currently am finding myself in a transition period:
I am recovering from Covid, was supposed to be on a family visit abroad, but instead find myself reading books, writing, sleeping, drinking lots of liquids and … painting again, which is lovely!
If YOU want to end your summer on a high: check out the OFFERS I made to you in last week’s newsletter: from Visual Coaching sessions to a coaching Taster Package, from a discount on The Artist’s Way Group 2025 to my NEW Positive Intelligence programme. Don’t miss out!
The offers are valid until 31 August.
Tineke Tammes is an ICF trained career coach, who supports professional women in find fulfilling work and create happy careers with her Career Freedom coaching programme!
Besides that she is also a lifelong feminist, part-time portrait artist, never-only-read-one-book-at-any-time reader, and obsessive doodler.
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Yes the quiet or passive resistant ones are the worst. And yes - that's sometimes been me!