A tale of bad managers

One of the TOP reasons women leave

Hi, I’m Tineke, coach for you change making, creative, multi-passionate, hard-working women. I publish my newsletter here every Friday, focusing on ONE topic to do with your career, career change, happiness, women and work, creativity and books (I love books!).

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Oh, I’ve heard - and experienced - some shockers over the years.

I’ll be going into some examples in a minute.

Over the years I’ve spoken to many women who have been the victim of abusive, narcissist, or just plain BAD managers, with devastating results for their confidence and their mental health.

There is LOTS to say about the subject, and for some of you it will take some time to recover of the experience of working for one.

In this newsletter I want to touch on the subject, acknowledge those of you who are suffering from working to one, and say to you ‘it’s not you, you’re great’. To acknowledge the impact of bad line managers on you and your performance. To say ‘I see you, and I support you’. And to let you’re by no means alone, even if you feel like that right now.

So let’s get into it.

A tale of bad managers

Types of ‘bad’ managers

We’ve seen them all, right?

The narcissist

Narcissists can come across as charming and vain. They want to be admired, be the centre of attention and expect to receive special treatment as a reflection of higher status.

Narcissism is a proper mental disorder, which lives on a spectrum. Around 1% of the population ‘suffer’ from it. Unfortunately a lot of them are very successful due to their perceived confidence and single-mindedness: studies found that narcissists are 29% quicker in climbing the career ladder.

The manipulator

You know the one: the person who manages up, but kicks down. The one who - consciously or subconsciously - creates chaos, and manipulates people into doing what he or she wants. Divide and rule being their favourite pastime.

The dinosaur

A management style that hasn’t quite left the 1950s. A control and command style of managing. A big fan of ‘threatening’ their people to do what they want (and yes, this is an actual quote from a senior manager I once worked with🙄).

The competitor

EVERYTHING is a competition to this manager. Everything has to be better, shinier, quicker than everyone else, ever. No matter what the consequences for their staff. Or their worklife balance.

The accidental line manager

He or she was GREAT at their job. They were a fantastic operational person, an expert, the go-to person.

And then they got promoted, and became a line manager. They had to look after a team of people. Making THEM do what they used to excel at. Do all the people-stuff. Which they are not only not equipped or trained for, but have no interest in or aptitude for.

The culture soaker

They’re alright, really. When you meet them in the pub, or at a party. They’re perfectly decent human beings. But once they step foot over the threshold they turn into the dragon-version of themselves. They often don’t even know why themselves. ‘It’s the culture’ they say in a rare bout of self-awareness, ‘It makes me into a different person’.

These are MY examples of line managers - BAD line managers neatly categorised - I’ve encountered over the years.

What are your examples?

So what?

The devastating impact of bad managers is - well - devastating!

In a survey of 4,000 women in 2023 by Encompass Equality the women who were most likely to leave the organisation said that ‘support by line managers’ was one of the top 5 things that employers could do something about, so that they could retain the women in their workplaces.

This is - of course - not just an issue for women. But on top of the other things on women’s wish list - flexibility in where, but above all WHEN to work, work life balance to do all the ‘other’ things too - I DO want to talk about this.

Not just because of the surveys done. But because I’ve seen it, in my own practice. The impact of bad managers, toxic managers, is devastating, can lead to trauma, erodes your confidence and damages your resilience and trust in your abilities.

And for businesses? Even if for retention purposes only businesses should sit up and take notice. Bad managers are one of the top reasons why women leave their organisations, losing out on top talent. Bad managers create the culture in which there is no psychological safety, meaning no creativity, no innovation, no freedom to experiment and improve.

Now what should I do?

Awareness

Like all things, if you’re experiencing a bad manager, it all starts with awareness.

When I first started working, as a fresh-faced 23 year old, I assumed that all line managers:

• Were good people

• Had the best of intentions

• Were interested in their team, as individuals

• Were trained and equipped to be managers

That innocence gets - let’s say - eroded over time, when you find out that:

• Confidence gets rewarded over competence - meaning that the people turning into managers are not necessarily always the best person for the job

• Training and support for line managers is scant or non-existent

• Stress for line managers is through the roof, leading to managers not always bringing their best self to work

Leading to the realisation that managers are just people, who sometimes find themselves in the wrong position, trying to cope.

Awareness of your manager’s position, his or her attitude, and a genuine interest in your manager as a person, will help you determine what type of manager you’re dealing with.

Empathy

Empathy for yourself

Can I start here? Because having empathy for yourself, deep compassion for yourself, practising self-love means that NO ONE (capital letters) has the right to hurt you.

There is no sense of duty, no loyalty required to people or organisations that actively inflict pain on you, or fail to prevent it.

Similarly, by having real empathy for yourself you’ll be able to discover what coping mechanism, what Saboteur, what inner critic, is currently drowning out the voice of your wise inner self.

By applying empathy to yourself you allow your REAL self to speak. She will know what the right thing to do is when you find yourself in a situation with a ‘bad’ manager.

Empathy for your manager

Bad managers weren’t born to be bad people. I believe that.

Everyone, deep inside, has a beautiful core essence to them, something that is unique to them.

And then life happens, and work, and coping mechanisms emerge to support that person in dealing with their lives.

So the next time you talk to your manager ask yourself (or them!) what’s really going on for them. What stress are they under? What is THEIR core essence? What do they need to be able to be THEIR best self - and a GOOD manager? What Saboteur do you see in action when your ‘bad’ manager is in full-blown action?

Empathy is THE core skill to apply when dealing with bad managers. Empathy - yes - for your manager, who is most likely to be a good person.

But most DEFINITELY empathy for yourself.

Managing your manager

I’ve said it once or twice before.

One of your most treasured skills is that of taking action. The power to activate, to make change happen, is one that you’ll want to deploy when dealing with a ‘bad’ manager.

Laser focused, clear-headed action.

And yes, in this case this means managing your manager.

Having applied a healthy dose of empathy to the situation, what is your intuition telling you to do?

What ACTION can you take to improve the situation with your manager?

Is it just simply having a conversation to understand what they want? Or what pressure they’re under?

Is it to do with your own behaviour and attitude, and are you able to change it? What other action feels like the right thing to do in this situation?

Leave

And finally, ESPECIALLY if you find yourself in an unresolvable situation, or if you’re working for a narcissist or psychopath, your ACTION might be this.

To leave.

Narcissists are destructive to their teams, undermine morale, have no real empathy for anyone else, are only out to better themselves, if necessary over the back of others.

So, ultimately, you’re going to have to think about what’s next for you, if any other actions (talking, focusing on tasks, managing your manager, looking after your own mental health) are not sufficient.

Because - and repeat after me - no one has the right to hurt you. You deserve to work in a place where you can be happy and where you can do your best work.

So, let’s go and make that happen, right?

You with me?

Tineke x

P.S. What examples have YOU got of appalling line manager behaviour? Let us know in the comments or send me a message by replying to this email. I’ll always respond.

P.S.2 Are you currently considering your next steps in your career? I have room for ONE client to start this April on the journey of discovery in my Career Freedom coaching programme. Is that you? Send me a message or book your FREE Discovery Call here:

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Tineke Tammes is a Career & Creativity Coach and supports professional women in making successful transitions. Besides that she is also a lifelong feminist, part-time portrait artist, never-only-read-one-book-at-any-time reader, and obsessive doodler.

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